I wish.......

Sometimes I wish I love myself more.

Sometimes I wish I can be more confident.

Sometimes I wish I can a little more charming.

Sometimes I wish I have it all.

Sometimes I wish I was more successful.

Sometimes I wish I can travel more.

Sometimes I wish I can take pictures of myself and think how beautiful I look instead of thinking how fat or ugly I look in the photo.

Sometimes I wish I can have slimmer and longer legs.

Sometimes I wish I can dun give a flying @#%^ on what goes on around me.

Sometimes I wish I can have a good hair day everyday.

Sometimes I wish I have more time for my friends and family.

Sometimes I wish..... I wish..... I wish....

I wish to be myself. And to love myself.

And for my people around me to love me too. For who I am.

With all my insecurities and flaws.

Saturday blues. Is there such a thing??

Today is official the worst day of my working life. Callie, my partner fell down and hurt her head. Leaving me alone, one man show, on a Saturday~!! It was crazy. But I still made it through. So... PHEW.

Anyways, Im pretty stressed out from school. Getting panic attacks, anxiety attacks, gastric attacks..... u get the idea. I feel so tired. I really really need a good break. From work and school. Was thinkin of all sorts of ways to get a really long mc..... but im afraid it might hurt.

But still when things seems so bad, juz seeing Kenneth makes it better. Somehow. Its great how someone in this world can see all my imperfections as cute and beautiful. Which is really sweet. While everyone thinks its the most unglam, it does not bother him at all. Or when my hair is at its messiest and I totally give up trying to make it look better and he still tinks its perfect. Im in a blissful mood at the moment but it might turn for the worse later on due to reports which juz can't seem to be completed. Damn, and tomorrow is a Sunday and I gotta attend my project group meeting. Im getting really weary. Someone pls pull me out of my misery. I feel like I can't make it this sem and Im really getting worried. =(

On a lighter note, my ACDC t-shirt arrived today~ Whee. So happy.


Kewl~!



Im down with ACDC~ hehehehe
I Heart Adam Sevani~!!!!!!!
Yup. Im still crazy.

I tink im suffering from a quarter life crisis. As I mature -
1. I've learnt that you cannot make someone love u. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

2. I've learnt that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

3. I've learnt that it takes years to build up trust and it only takes suspicion, not proof to destroy it.

4. I've learnt that you should not compare yourself to others. They are more screwed up than u tink.

5. I've learnt that regardless how hot and steamy a relationship is in the beginning, the passion fades and there better be lots of money to take its place.

6. Most frighteningly true - I've learnt that the people u care most about in your life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Well, what can I say. Life is like a Lollipop. Sometimes sweet, sometimes sticky. Most of the time u juz gotta suck it. Okie, no sense. Im blabbering already. Time to ciao. and rot in my little home on a sat nite in front of my tv and eat ice-cream.

Juz ignore this.... mood swings

Feels like becoming more and more zi-bi.
I feel like I have become so tired of entertaining people around me.
I can't be bothered anymore.
I feel so tired at work.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel so much better after lunch. Less moody.
Baby came down to have lunch with me. So sweet. I so happy.
But Baby left for duty already. Im goin to be so lonely tonite. sobsob.

Today is like one of my best days at work. No need to carry our role of either CSO or Cash Officer. Wheeee...
My role in the branch today is. KLKK (Kia Lai Kia Ke).
Shiok Man. Keep eating at the back room and gossipping with Sharon and the rest. If only everyday at work is like that. Life would be good. keke
Later gotta go to Meridien for class. Sianz.

Saturday Night

My weekend sucked. Not totally but it still sucked. Considering the fact that on Sat I worked half day, reached home at 3pm, started on my marketing report and sat on the sofa in the same position until 8+pm. It sucks cuz I missed my afternoon nap and it sucks also cuz time juz flew by with me spending more than 5hours in front of my lappy typing away.......................arggggg

But it was not totally that bad..... after I decided that I could not go on with my report anymore, decided to go dinner with Samuel at Zion road.

After which met up and hung out with Keong, Benedict, Aug, Sheena......many more. It was pretty fun juz hanging out despite me feeling super exhausted.

Baby So Happy to see Keong~

Hanging out.

Tired already.......

Did I mention that Keong got a new Mini-Cooper S. So So Shiok~!

Keong so Happy~~~~

But Baby also very happy with his ride~

yEAH~ at least we have a car to drive around.....

While some people struggle with owning a big car,

We are very happy~~~ with our ride. No Doubt.

Awww....

Baby sent me this pic while I was busy with my report. I can't stop the smile from spreading on my face. Somtimes that boy can be so sweet.

Love Love Love U........................

Can't get enough of Adam G Sevani

I can't seem to get enough of him. Spent my days looking at his videos instead of doin my report. Juz a little peek of what Adam Sevani is all about.... Of course he's the tall lanky geeky one in beige top and cap. *screams* I so adore him!!!!



More more more videos to come, when I got more time... =D

One of my favourite video of Adam Sevani...... He's so good, makes u sit up and take a closer look at his boyish cuteness....




I tink geeky guys are like totally hot. Away from the conventional tall, dark and handsome. People who know me, knows that guys (nerds/geeks) like this totally gets me.
Similar to Eric Szmanda who I was so crazy about, the geeky lab technician on CSI who is like so damn cute too. Made me go on a CSI marathon. -.-


I know most of the names sound foreign, but trust me. They are all damn hot.....~ To me, that is.

Adam~
Adam~
Adam.
Call me crazy cuz that is what I am now.
Crazy for him.

wahahahahahahaha

Not forgetting my very own nerd. Kenneth Lim. =D

Im SO INFATUATED~ Gosh

Im totally like head over heels with Adam Sevani.... He's so hot, so cute. *sigh*

He adds on to my list of favourite cute guys.

He's like totally talented, and he's such a geek.

I love geeks. As what Hilary Duff and sister said - Nerds are totally in right now. Yeah~!

Adam Sevani is so damn young, he juz turned 16 and he's already so damn cute.

Gosh, I sound like a teenager with a mega crush..........

I had a good day today...

Today was a good day. Nothing happened in particular, juz feel.... happy.
yesterday was a very very bad day, where everything that can go wrong, went wrong. I was so on the verge of taking my Gucci and walking out of the bank, not wanting to work another minute. It was THAT bad.
But nevertheless, I managed to make it to the end of the day......
So today was a good day, cuz I had half day off and Kenneth got half day from camp too! So we spent the afternoon walking around town, without the usual hectic crowd. Spending time together, which was nice. It has been a long time since we last went out. So the whole afternoon was juz spent walking around town aimlessly doin nothing. So Fun. =)

Im sitting in front of the com waiting for the washing machine to be fixed and im bored.

As the days goes by, I tink how lucky I am.......... that you're not here to ruin it for me.
(hahahahahahahahahaha)

A little....

Its friday nite. Home alone. Ken at Zouk..................................................... working.

Im feeling a little sad.
Im feeling a little confused.
Im feeling a little jealous.
Im feeling a little lost.

Before I start my complaining. I heard this on the radio by the Muttons, 98.7FM while driving home.
"So u think that female is the weaker sex? Try getting back the blanket in the middle of the night."
Wahahahahahaha..... Lame. I know. but it still got me smiling.

Work tomorrow as usual. my life is so boring.
Ken gotta go duty tomorrow which means I got the whole day to myself. Or rather I'll be all alone tomorrow. Good time for me to try to start on my project which is due really really soon. And im still bumming around.

Everyone is living the same life, walking the same earth. But somehow some people juz got a lucky break, some lead better lives.... blah blah blah. I know I've been whining bout this non-stop. But I juz feel so..... *sigh* as the chinese saying goes... same people, different lives. I tink it goes something like that la.
Some are famous.
Some are bloody rich.
Some born with a golden spoon.

Its so discouraging to know bout all this charmed life people. Im jealous.
Especially when I heard of the guy who gives his wife $32K a month as spending money, its like WOW!
He's pretty well know for buying down the whole condominium cuz he does not like to share the pool and lifts with other people and lives alone with his wife in the penthouse of the condo. WHAT?! too much money dunnoe where to spend.
Working in my job allows me to meet and know many many people like these. And it is depressing. VEry depressing.
$32K a month for a housewife. Her MONTHLY allowance is my ANNUAL salary. I wanna be THAT housewife. But I know I dun have the luck. Its juz my life. My fate.
im so jealous why some juz get it better than the rest. its so unfair. it it being at the right place at the right time? Or meeting the right people?
No wonder people say the chinese saying. people compare with people, will compare until die?? Is it the right translation??? haha. talking to too many chinese aunties recently. at least somehow my chinese is improving. right?

I know I gotta be contented with what I have.
But what do I have???!!!!!
I dun have/make 32K a month.
Im not a famous person.
I have to work/study very hard juz to have a better life.

okie, time to do some reflections

Things to be thankful for/ happy about
1. Grandmother (most important person in my whole life)
2. Kenneth (almost perfect bf)
3. Samuel (even though not talked in like ages)
4. My own home
5. My cute Peugeot
6. My 42 pairs of shoes
7. Roughly 30++ bags
8. More than a 100 pieces of clothing
9. Good job? (I did not say it's fun)
10. Good friends? (not so sure at the moment.)
11. Sponsored degree
12. I look cute. ( I never say gorgeous hor, juz cute. not even pretty. juz cute, like retarded cute)

Damn, i sound damn materialistic.

Sucky stuff
1. Im not disgustingly rich.
2. I dun have a pool downstairs.
3. Im not a supermodel.
4. I can't sing.
5. I have a bad hair day. Everyday.
6. I dun have clothes to wear.
7. I dun have matching shoes with my clothes.
8. I spend way too much money, and I can't control myself.
9. No life
10. No one to talk to at the moment. (which explains the long post)
11. No plans on the weekends, except school work and reports.
12. Im not making money by looking pretty.
13. I will always be the girl-next-door.
14. I can't speak chinese or thai fluently. (both supposedly to be my mother tongue)
15. Did I mention not rich and 16. not famous and 17. not beautiful.

The list of sucky stuff can juz go on and on. im feeling more and more depressed as the list grows. So from what I see, conclusion is......
The bad outweighs the good.
But the good is good enough??? what am I saying.
im being like super negative.

I need to tink Happy Happy Happy.
Life is hard. Balls.

Kenneth & Luisa

This picture was taken by a very expensive camera and it was beautifully taken. =)

Despite the fact that it was taken at my most unglam moment, it still managed to turn out pretty okie actually.

This pic was taken after swimming when my hair was wet and uncombed. Me in my shorts and slippers walking around Suntec City. SO UNGLAM. I kept whining to Kenneth that I wanna go home. but well, at least something good came out of it.

Feeling like im coming down with a very bad cold. My tissue paper lying all over the place. Nose hurts from all the blowing and its red and dry. I look like the freaky reindeer now. damn.

Feeling kinda stressed out from my school work cuz I DUNNOE HOW TO DO....... !!!

How? HOw? HOW?

I feel so helpless when I look at the case study.

Other than school stress, everything else is pretty much ok. Besides the fact that Ken gotta do duty this Sat leaving me at home alone to finish up my report.

Life is Good.

Besides the leaking nose, Im feeling very happy everyday. Everyday is a joy with Baby. So happy to juz come home and spend time with you. I feel so bad that u always gotta wait for me. I really feel so guilty making u wait for 3 hrs doin nothing 'till my class finishes. Sigh. Although u say its okie and that u dun mind. I really feel bad that u are rushing here and there, to send me to work and to school. Then to pick me up after school. Or simply juz rushing around to send me to places. Im glad that u are willing to do all this for me but guilty at the same time.

Tomorrow is Friday, but no plans as usual. Juz a whole load of marketing research report to do up.... *faints*

SO BORING.

Its getting late. Nite Nite.

Sianz

I slept my whole long weekend away. Managed to avoid Monday blues cuz I was off today. but its also the first day of my *ahem*. so i was lying in bed rolling around in pain cuz of my cramps. grrrr..... torturous.

My cramps are bloody hell killing me and my leg feels so swollen. Besides the monthly torture that I go through, my weekend was nothing special. Out of 24hrs a day, I slept like 20hrs. Wake up only to drink water and go to the toilet. Not much of a appetite too.

So not looking forward to goin back to work tomorrow. sigh.

I wish I could spend all of my days like that, lying around in bed with Baby. Sleeping till late in the noon with Baby, taking lazy afternoon naps on Baby's lap on the sofa and watching DVDs in the evening. How quickly the weekend passes. Time flies when you're relaxing.

These few days spent at home, I had lots of time to myself.

To think.

To ponder.

Im upset bout certain things but realise that I can't change most things. But at the same time, Im happy.

I feel that this world is such a cruel world and life is difficult. Its hard to just ignore the bad stuff. Bad stuff as in bad people and bad situations.

I feel that she does not like me very much. You can say im sensitive. or I tink too much. I probably am but still this is how I feel. Its so obvious sometimes, but its not obvious to others. She's trying to leave me out, but I dun want to play that game. I dun have the time and the energy. Im not fighting with u for anything, but u make me feel you are taking him away from me. and not even leaving a little for me. Or maybe he himself do not find me interesting to be with anymore.....

SO much negative thoughts.. I can't breathe.

So many mean and rude people around. its sad sometimes. I dun understand whats up their ass..

Happy people seems to be extinct. all around are people who are irritated and always in a rush.

Talking bout no one in particular, juz some experiences on the road when im driving. its hell driving on the road nowadays, everyone seems to be rushing off to die somewhere.

Good times over. Say hello to work and reports and deadlines and schoool.

I have no life.

ok, not too bad. At least I had durians juz now. and I bought like 2kg of Longan.

Im burping durian smell and the whole house smells of durians now. YUM!

having a little sore throat. MC??

Sick...

This is Ken telling me I talk too much.... =D

Anyways its too cute not too share.

Had lunch at Excelsior Hotel with Grandma, Kenneth and many others today to celebrate Parent's day. Lunch was alrite, caught up with my God-parents and my God-sister and brother. It has been ages since I last saw them and am glad they are doing well for themselves. Joel is now a trainee pilot and Michelle have grown up beautifully.

Felt happy that I could spend the day with Mama, I love her so much. More than anything in this world. She was so upset that she scratched her new car today at the carpark. The scratch was pretty bad actaully and Ken tried to help lighten the scratch but could not.

Having damn bloody bad tummyache now. Head pounding like hell. Feeling so sick and Im suppose to go to Powerhouse tonite cuz Samuel is off the next day, but I dun tink I can drag myself out tonite. Kinda in pain and suffering now. Days not working seems to fly past so fast. 2 out of the 3 days are almost over and Im left with one more day of rest. I dun even know how I spent the 2 days. All I remembered was sleeping, sleeping and more sleeping. I sleep through my days and nights. Im such a pig.

So not looking forward to going back to work and school. Its such a torture. But I really cant wait to graduate man! Once I get my degree, life will be back to normal. With me only complain bout work and no more projects and reports and exams. I can't wait!!! but for now, there's still a long way to go, so I shall 'enjoy' it while I can, cuz for sure I'll miss it when its gone.

I can't wait for me to graduate and Ken to finish army and we can start travelling more often. go to places that I know nothing about. Drive around the country side of.... not sure yet. breathe the fresh air of someplace different. See mountains, lakes, snow..... plus shopping. I want to see many many things.

But for now, back to reality for the moment. Gotta concentrate on my project on hand.

Oh, and I MISS SAMUEL!!!

I know we dun spent as much time together as before. But U are still constantly on my mind.

As for the bitches, I really wanna meet u girls, but Im so busy at the moment. I promise to ask u out the moment im free okie'?? pls dun be upset.

Headache.

WARNING

You are sad and pathetic. You are a sicko stalker and you are pissing me off and scaring me at the same time.
Pls go away.
I do not like you at all.

Its Saturday

I have exactly three days of doing nothing before starting work again. So im definitely goin to enjoy every single minute. Well, I spent the whole Saturday morning catching up on lost sleep and only managed to open up my eyes at 3 in the afternoon. Pretty much the whole morning was spent sleeping but i also presume thats how im goin to spend the rest of my off days. sHiok!

Attended a birthday party of Ken's camp mate, it was alrite actually besides the fact that I was feeling damn bloated and nauseous. It was nice seeing Ken having fun with all his buddies and they were quite an entertaining lot. GL is so damn sweet to his girlfriend and I tink they are both very lucky to have each other. =) they were so sweet to look at. I juz love happy things and looking at all the sweet couples yesterday made me happy. besides the few bad apples and their conquest stories... one was particularly disappointing but expected anyway.

Why do a guy wanna cheat? I feel if ever a guy cheats on me, that will be the end of us. I dun tink I can ever accept the fact that he slept with someone else, that he fucked someone else. Even if he asked me to give a second chance, things will never be the same anymore. It will be a stain on the relationship that can never go away and the relationship will not be pure anymore.
Even if I forgive him, I dun tink I can ever forget it. Its juz wrong and something I will never able to put it aside and go on as if nothing has happened. If it happened once, it will happen again.
So when B said that he had sex with someone else besides his gf, all he said was that it was not his fault. I always thought that it was sweet that he love his gf so much till he wanna marry her, I feel that its all gone. And although he says he feels guilty, I dun think that will help.

As I always say, men can never resist a woman who throws themselves at them. Its like children not being able to resist chocolate given to them.
Only a few good guys will, which I believe they still exist. Juz very very few. Juz hope they will not let me down.
Like I say, out of 50 men there will only be one Peter. Another 50 men another GL. So in another 50 will there be a Kenneth?? =p

Yay, my food is back. Time to have lunch. Big Mac!!!

Counting down...

Bought pretty things to brighten up my days. Its been pretty gloomy the past few days, dunnoe whether the storm will pass or not but im definitely feeling slightly better that the weekend is near. Im so looking forward to my long weekend with Baby and Sunday Brunch with Grandma and God-Parents.
Ken bought beautiful roses and the colors were really beautiful, it brightened up the room and made me so happy juz looking at it. But sad thing is that it does not last long though.

We have a new addition to our home too, which is our Lucky Bamboo plant. We bought the number which came with the plant. So hopefully...*crosses fingers* that we may get lucky.... hahahaha. Its placed at a very strategic Feng Shui corner of the home. So hopefully it is working as hard as our Happiness Cat.

Other things that makes me smile is Pork. Who rolls all over the place. its juz damn bloody cute la!

Edith bought this sweet little cake for me. Such a sweetheart~ makes me smile.... things are definitely getting better and all these little things juz chases away the blues in my life. At the moment.

Good Morning

And a very good morning indeed. Feeling a little better this morning. Less crappy. Maybe its the thought of THurs and that the weekend is near.... or juz simply because Baby hugged me the whole nite to sleeep.
I love to be in baby's arms the whole nite, make me feel safe from everything in the world and I can sleep so soundly.
On the way to work, thought bout lots of things and realised that I have lost focus which resulted in me feeling frustrated and lost. Along the way and being caught up in everyday life, I have lost focus and forgot bout what im trying to achieve.
I see all the things that I do not have and forget to be thankful for the many things that I have.
I so blessed and yet im still complaining. argg..... how can I be so selfish and greedy.

I feel like im stuck here because I have not travelled for a long time, but only because I used to travel so often in the past and I miss the feeling of playing in the snow in Ottawa, enjoying the breeze in Australia, the shopping in BAngkok...... the many trips to nearby islands to enjoy the sea.
Now, Im stuck here worrying bout my studies and exams and reports.... all this seems impossible to achieve, but Ken says we will still make time. Really?? Truly and really?
I hope so......
Im feeling so much better today even though I have class later. but well, its juz the journey towards achieving something. =) YEAH!

arggggg!!!!!!!

This dreadful day is finally coming to an end.. not yet but soon. Hectic day at work and torturous time at class. Trying so hard to concentrate but simply can't.

Feeling not as crappy but kinda irritated still but dunnoe with what.

Crappy things happening. My maid is leaving. She's going back to her country, What am I goin to do without her!!!! she decided to go Canada as she has found a job there. even my maid is having a better life than me. But nevertheless, I wish her all the best. Ken gotta send her to the airport tomorrow. NOW WHO IS GOIN TO WASH ALL MY LAUNDRY ESPECIALLY THE BEDSHEETS. *faints*

hopefully the new maid that is coming does a good job too or else is gonna be so damn frustrating for my Mama.

Since my maid decided to leave us, the next worse thing that could happen. Happened. My washing machine broke down. is like WTF!

Juz out of the sudden. Nothing is goin well I tell u. Its so frustrating having to worry bout this and that.... to call this, to fix that. That is the downside on being independent and living on your own. U gotta settle everything by yourself. Thank goodness I got Ken. Or else I tink I will collapse from exhaustion. From looking after home, to working, to studying.
*FAINTS

was feeling pretty down yesterday. Must be due to my unbalanced hormones.
Im still feeling crappy but there is no one to tell. Cuz I dun feel like telling it to Ken, cuz he would juz tink its my menses that is causing all these.... Alicia called me yesterday to chat, but was simply not in the mood at all.
Sometimes I wonder why nobody calls me and I realise.... yea, Im pushing them all away. I dun answer my phone calls and I avoid goin out with them. I feel so guilty but... at least, thank goodness, they still care bout me enough to call me and check up on me even though I play the missing game... *sigh*
I should really make the effort to meet up with them. Maybe I should... but im really so so tired.
Im not feeling better today and I have a high tendency to lash out on any one that pisses me off.
So. for now. Pls fuck off.

Random thoughts

Thinking how long do I intend to stay in my job? Its not like I hate it or anything but juz feeling...... dead.
What is my goal in life? Why do I feel like im wasting my time?
Could I be living a different life?
A better life?
Why am I so ordinary?
So many people in this world. and I feel like I fall into the unfortunate category.
So many lucky people - the rich people, the beautiful people. And I fall outside this groups of people.
What can I do to make my life better?

What exactly can make me truly happy?
Money? Will having more money make me a happier person? OR will I feel more empty? If I earn more money would I be happier?
At this point, I really dunnoe. I feel so confused. I dun have a plan for myself.
I am a nobody. And nobody will notice that a nobody is gone.
Maybe if Im a beautiful person, life would be better for me. Sometimes I wish I was pretty. When I look at beautiful girls, I wonder what is like to be beautiful and pretty. To have people adore them cuz of their good looks. I guess I will never know, a plane jane I will always be. I will always be the girl-next-door that nobody takes notice of. Walking in my own space....

I have dreams but dunnoe if I will ever get to fufil them.
1) to open my own soya bean stall.... =)
2) to travel many places.
But all these are only dreams, and dreams are what they will remain.

I cant bring myself to be optimistic, life is too tough and hard. Pessimistic is what I am.
I wish I do not have to live this life. Its too tiring.
I juz want to be by myself.

Its too difficult seeing people live their perfect life, in their perfect house, with their perfect partner. Makes me wonder did GOd forget bout me?

Juz like any other week, it starts with a Monday

Actually, Sunday is said to be the first day of the week. Anyways.....
Monday blues at work as usual. But one thing good, was that there was no worrying over school work. Juz nothing to do after work, which felt good.
After work, decided to go for a swim and headed down to Carribean. It felt good to swim, take me away from everything. All that surrounded me was silence and the sound of water enclosed all around me. Juz me alone in my space. I could hear nothing except for my own breathing - air escaping from my body in form of little bubbles. thoughts of mine seem to freeze under water. Could not think about anything at all. all the worries of the world seem to disappear.
Felt good after the swim, met up with Keong + gang to hang out for a while. I felt so unglam walking around in my wet hair, keep wanting to go home but ended up at Suntec, Starbucks. Me wearing singlet and shorts and untidy wet hair. Super embarassing.... well, but i dun care anyway.

there are many different feelings in me now. dunnoe how to put them out in logical sense.

when a man treats a woman too well, his frens say he is weak or scared. Why won't they think its simply because they love their girlfriend so much.
How loved do you feel by your partner? Do u feel like you mean the world to him? Do u believe that he would give up everything for u?
I feel like no matter how good my guy treats me, I will never feel completely sure and confident that he will always be mine. Life is that u will never know what will happen, but I dun wanna tink bout the negative thoughts and juz enjoy every single moment together.
Why do I always feel like im not good enough for him? not only him, but for everyone else. I feel like im hiding deeper and deeper into my hole. Not wanting to come out and face the world.
I juz wanna live in my own world and continue to live for my own. I must not lose focus on that
Sometimes I get so caught up in everything, I forget bout myself. Only in times like today, being in the water. I remembered bout myself. And living for my own.

sigh. im feeling too emo. need to be more upbeat.
hmmmm

oh ya, im goin to have a long weekend this week. yay, off on sat all through Monday. No plans though. -.-
my life sucks.