argg...

Im feeling so damn irritated. And nothing is wrong. Absolutely nothing.
I only way to explain how im feeling is that I woke up on the wrong side on the bed. Where everything that can go wrong. WILL go wrong.
First... the mrt ride to work pissed me off. Cuz of pushy and impatient people. The door is not even opened yet and people behind me are pushing me to get out of the way. I got so fed up, i shouted at them to WAIT!!! Cuz Im getting off too! wat is their prob man.... even if im not getting off, I'll definitely make way for them to get off when I have more space when the door opens. gosh. IRRITATING.
then when I finally reach work, I realised that I gotta attend a course tonite. Which I completely forgot and I agreed to meet my groupmates to discuss my presentation, which I cannot postpone cuz the presentation is on wed. So i go around to beg my colleagues who are suppose to attend the course tomorrow to change with me, but all say they cannot switch days with me cuz tonite they need to go home. Which pissed the hell out of me, and I feel like giving a flying kick to all. But instead i juz sulk. I must have looked damn ugly sulking, LiLian agreed to switch with me but with all the guilt included. That she gotta miss dinner with her mom and all...... WHATEVER! but thanks anyway cuz I do not want to sound like an ingrate. It was sweet of her anyway.

so well, work goes on. im bored. frustrated. irritated. agitated.
argg...... sian ah!

To be more positive. I had a fruitful weekend. I did 3 batches of laundry.... -.-
I spent time with my grandma, met up with my mom. had dinner with Kenneth's family and spent Sunday with Uncle Alan and family.... had small talk with Baby Kayla... so overall, I was happy.

okie, back to work and sulking.
Luisa, u can make it through this hectic week......
4 more days to my off day. I can't wait....

rest at last

After weeks of rushing around to classes and running errands, Im exhausted. I haven't got any off days cuz its all accumulated to my leave in Oct.
Anyways, today spent time with granny. Picked her up after church and headed down to OG cuz she wanted to go shopping. I realised that I definitely got my shopping habits from her. Within mins of stepping into OG, she bought a top that cost 158 bucks. -.-""
We were looking for a warm sweater for me for our trip to Europe. But all the sweaters look so ugly at OG! But I juz chose one since she was paying for it. =)
Headed down to Tiong Bahru market for lunch and did a little shopping there too. Its really amazing the stuff they have there. Weird enough, there was stuff for me to buy. She as usual spent lots again, even at a market. I bought PJs...... PJs from Tiong bahru market, the PJs that old aunties wear at home. So funny.
Tomorrow is Monday and im so not looking forward to work anymore. Im so tired and I got a report to rush out by tues and I haven started at all. Everytime I tink of my report I feel SIAN. so I avoid it.

Got this really funny picture of Kenneth. So sickening~!!!! But I forced him to give me a slutty look. so well.... enjoy.



Im hungry and Im waiting for my pizza to be delivered. Im trying hard to cut down on fast food, but for today I guess I'll juz break the rules. So hungry so hungry and I'll be watchin the F1 race till my food comes. i can't feel the F1 excitement but its kinda interesting when watching it on TV. Singapore actually looks amazing at night.

lastly..... SO CUTE!!

down with day 2

I must have done something right. I have gotten over my previous sem's results and lived with the fact that I have 2 credits and been happy bout it too. but recently out of the blue, there was an adjustments to the results which I did not even bother to go see. Well, being all bored out of my mind yesterday I decided to go in and see what the fuss was all about and I saw~ I got a Distinction for MRA (Marketing Research)... I was stunned~!!! I was like... what the #&$*. My results were adjusted from a C to a D. Im still wondering what I have done right. Shocking. Yes. Wow, what a pleasant surprise.

its a bad start to my week. the weekend was great though. I enjoyed my home-cooked dinner by Samuel and enjoyed his company. Its been quite some time since he last slept over. it was such a familiar feeling that has not been felt for quite a long time. And after months and months of discussing and planning, I finally dragged my pale white body to Sentosa, supposedly for a tan. But well, God must be on my side, the moment I hit the beach, the sun disappeared. Much to the frustration of many, but secretly I was glad. But I got sun burnt anyway. damn. I wun say I had a great time at the beach, but I was happy to see some familiar faces.
some pics taken over the weekend, too lazy to upload the rest.
Twins~!!! hehe

This baby was spotted at Sentosa. Damn bloody cute. He was so hot and bothered and totally adorable.





more when I have too much time on my hands. for now. Im hungry.

monday blues and cramps~

this sux. everything sux. im soooo in the mood for emo. Im Emo by the way. its the right setting for being emo anyway. my hormones are unbalanced. my mood swings are crazy, my cramps are killing me and I feel like crying the whole bloody day and I dun even know why and plus... im all alone at home. with no cigarettes. on a Monday. can things get any worse. my life sux.

out of breath

busy. busy. busy.

Discussed project till 10+ yesterday..... I hate IMC. and this is only the beginning.
And have I mentioned that Im goin for a concert tonite. I really dun know if I should laugh or cry bout it.
Concert of a singer I do not know at the Indoor Stadium who is goin to sing Oldies.... -.- I rather be home sleeping.
Im goin because of my grandmother and I dragged Kenneth down with me. haha

backtrack - both will always be my baby. =D

Its dark and it's gloomy outside. Raining and it's cold. Wondering what is the world doin? Preparing for their fun night out? Zouk? Heard there is some kind of bash goin on. Zzzzzz....
How bout the show goin on at Tabs, where Keong's bike gotta be on stage as a prop for the models. hahahaha
Everyone preparing for their night out of fun and I juz woke up from my afternoon nap to see that it's raining outside. I love the rain when Im home. Its kinda therapeutic. Calming and soothing.
Argg... I have no life. School has started and Im constantly sick. I have no plans, no where to go. No people to meet. No energy to go anywhere and no mood to meet anyone.
I feel like I have only u. Well....At least I still have you. =)



Somehow, somewhere, watched a episode of Will & Grace and brought back some feeling of nostalgia. I miss those days of watchin Will & Grace on a small screen of iPod Video in bed. Sami's iPod video. I miss those days of trying to imitate Dirty Dancing in my living room. I miss those days of squeezin on the counch and watchin a DVD and me falling asleep halfway and u unsucessfully waking me up. I miss those days where we were totally broke and had to borrow money so we both could have money to eat.
Gosh~! Those were my gloomiest days yet full of fun and laughter.
U were with me through my darkest moments and I love u for it!

I was goin through my LJ and saw this and decided to repost it, juz in case we go through life each day and you tend to forget.
All the times spent together makes me smile.
Thanks for being around all this time.
To someone I love as a little brother, who loves me back for who I am.
I always be there for you
When you need someone, Will I be that one you need?
I will do all my best to protect you
When the tears get near your eyes
I'll be the one that's by your side
I'll be there when you call me in the middle of the night
I'll try my best to take care of you
Take your darkest night and make it bright for you
I'll be there to make you strong and to lean on
When you need someone
I promise I'll be there for you, like how u have been around for me.


I guess it's a quiet nite in and David Cook's Always be my baby is on loop tonite while I enjoy my book. Bliss.Kinda.I guess.
I realized that I looked so much slimmer in the pics with Samuel compared to the chubby face with Kenneth. I want to be slim/skinny/aneroxic again. Without the pain and worries. hehe. asking for too much? maybe

read. reading. read.

SICK!!!!

I had a not-too-bad weekend despite the throbbing headache. I was having a headache the whole week, a headache that would not go away and it was making me blind in one eye. At first I thought it would go away in a day, but it did not. tot maybe it was a bad headache that lasted 2 days, instead it went on for the whole week. It was so torturous.

Immediately went to see a doctor on Saturday fearing I have a brain tumour. =S But no... its a tension chronic headache + migraine. Cheeem man, sound so serious. After sleeping the whole day with medication, felt a little better. but up till now, im still having a headache. searching all over the Internet for a cure for migraines and headaches but up till its been said the cause of migraine is still not known and medication with lots of side effects are the only cure. Oh God... pls help me.

Here is me, downing medication everyday... Bleah, this sucks.

Anyways, Kenneth and I "celebrated" our 2yr thingy over the weekend. We went to SpaEsprit for a relaxing massage.

I love the place there.... its so peaceful and quiet. This is our room.... with a beautiful view.

Ken surprised me with a Baby-G. This is the watch that he chose for me. I like it. Its something that I would not choose for myself but yet I kinda like it a lot and I look good with it. =) Thanks baby. I really was very surprised that u actually bought something for me. I so happy.

Funny thing was that I also planned on buying a G-shock watch for him. so well... this explains both our watches.

On MC today, spent the whole nite at Tan Tock Seng A&E. =S Had an adverse reaction to my headache medication and what happened was BAD.... really really bad. Ken drove me to TTSH and I felt so terrible and kept shaking. I was injected with medicine and was put on IV drip. so torturous. Thankfully, I had kenneth by my side the entire nite. (Sorry, u must be really really tired standing next to me the whole nite. ) Kept under observation till like 4am before I could leave for home. Feeling slightly better now and slept the entire day. Really slept the whole day............. no food and water. Juz managed to open my eyes while Ken goes to buy me dinner. Tomorrow is another day at work. sigh. feeling so weak and sick. Bleah.

This hurts and I got so bored lying there I started fidgeting and instead of some liquid goin into my body, blood starter to fill the tube. Check this out. Everyone was sleeping except me, cuz all I wanted to do was to GO Home.....

kenneth baby, thanks for everything that u have done for me. For taking care of me. For rushing me to the hospital. For holding my hair when I feel like vomiting. For standing next to my bed the entire nite. For waiting so patiently for me. For calling the nurse when the drip stopped.

Thank you for looking after me constantly cuz my health is so poor. I wish I was stronger. Sorry for being such a burden.

work stuff....

My Branch group photo... we were in the Ferrari team. Odd one out is Kesmond who was in the BMW team but came over to eat more food.

3 days course were spent like that most of the time. So shiok, no need to go work instead play games and watch videos, teabreak, toilet break, lunch break, smoke break.... Everyone from different departments of the bank came together, where we learnt more about the different roles of each department. I liked it.




Its Saturday and I had a FANTASTIC breakfast made by Kenneth. Sunny side up and sausages and peanut butter sandwich with cheese. YUMMY~
Thanx Baby!

Thank God

Results are finally out. Im glad and im thankful.

Actaully.... IM SHIOKAKAKALI HAPZ.

I passed and thank God. Although I did not do as well as I did last sem, but all i asked for was to pass and i got Credit for both modules and Im more than glad. =D

So... here comes the next sem and Im so NOT looking forward to next week . My whole hectic life once more.

This week have been pretty much great.

Monday was a nice dinner @Tung Lok with frens to celebrate Gary Loo's bday. It was really nice seeing them. I so happy.

Eating out is so unhealthy and my hair is dropping at an alarming so we decided to have home cooked food. Well, I cooked for 2 days and I decided to give myself an off day today from cooking. Went down to town to buy Durian SnowSkin Mooncake... yummy yummy. It taste sooooo good. *Burp*

As usual, nothing happening in my life. Juz boring me.

Oh ya, I have to say that they are so many weirdos around. I tink its the stress of living in Singpapore that everyone is juz behaving madly. they are always so angry and irritated and short tempered. Everything is always NOT their fault and that the whole world owes them their life. WEIRD. People should go do some Yoga or Pilates to calm down and center their chakra or anything to CHILL. People in Singapore need to chill and relax. -.- This world is not getting easy to live in. So since I can't change the way people behave and think, I juz gotta ignore them and live my own way. For all I know, I may be the weirdo to them always in my own world. But hey~ at least im happy. =D For now.............

another thing to be glad about. Im so blessed with great batchmates. We were practically inseparable at the Dinner & Dance. We had fun together even though we were all not sitting at the same table and our tables were far far apart. I was at table 45 and Thomas and Fj were at 200++ table. damn. but we still ran all over the place to have smoke breaks together. So it was great. At least we motivate each other to stick to our sucky jobs. heehee

I was having a super bad hair day that day and Thomas is not in the pic. But... who cares anyway. D&D lucky draw prizes were fantastic but I went home with nothing. SO UPSET. They were giving away 2 tickets to Japan and Shanghai all expenses paid and grandstand tickets at Japan and Shanghair Grand Prix race. But that's not I was eyeing. I so wanted the Airbook... or even the IBM thinkpad.... or the iPod video 80GB... or the Nintendo Wii.... or the X-Box. But I ended up with NOTHING. Not even the Pizza oven that MunHou got. So unfair. So I made it up by drinking lots of cheap beer which made me feel bloated the whole nite.

TOMORROW IS FRIDAY!!!!!!! actaully i also dunnoe what so happy about, as if I got great plans ahead. but nevertheless, im still so looking forward to the weekend where I can sleep and sleep and sleep and get FAT~

my heart hurts....

I was off from work today and Kenneth was off to guard duty early in the morning. So what could I do....

Well, I could choose to spent the whole day bumming around reading my book, waiting for time to pass.

Or.... I could ask people out for coffee.... Or I could go spend the whole day pampering myself.

Guess what? I chose option 3. Im very happy yet my heart hurts from all the money spent. I dun even dare to tell Kenneth the exact amount I spent. He would not scold me at all, but Im juz so embarrassed that I have no self control at all. Im such a spendthrift!!! Why??

Meaning:- A spendthrift (also called profligate) is someone who spends money prodigiously and who is extravagant and recklessly wasteful.

Im feeling damn bloody remorseful now. but there is nothing I can do but reflect on what I did today.

First my plans for today was to go for a facial, since after my exams, im having breakouts and its making me feel depressed and ugly. Suppose to go to my regular beautician at Aramsa Spa but cuz they were fully booked I had to resort to my 2nd choice - Spa Esprit. Called them and realised that they moved to Dempsey Hill. Was excited to go check out the new place.

It was BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT THERE SO MUCH. Facial was good, view was good, environment was good. Overall it felt good.

Anywas the total damage on my bank account is really quite a significant amount when I start to calculate. Oh no... please dun start nagging at me. I promise not to spend any more money till next pay day.

Strip : Brazillian Wax + Cream =$110

Spa Esprit @House: Facial + Eye treatment= $210(*faints) Package =$600 (arggg)
Mystique hair salon = $350 (dun ask me about it)

Rough amount I spent = $1060 +parking+petrol+cigarettes

Gosh, my heart is pounding so hard now. Im damn expensive to maintain!!!!!!

I doubt I can sleep tonite.

But then again I work hard for my money so I deserve to spend it right? right?????

And no, I did not get any bonus.

Pls dun mention anything about this to me. Dun ask me bout it. Juz let it be. I need to hibernate for the rest of the month from now.

I need to save for my Europe trip.

Oh ya, did I mention that I juz bought a new camera and a pretty looking white HDD and a new thumbdrive. All within the span of less than 2 weeks.

And yes.... IM DAMN BLOODY BROKE NOW.

Start saving now LUISA LIM!

I will

I can, I can, I can

I WILL.....

This 3 day course have been pretty though provoking. Got me thinking bout lots of stuff.
I was asked to be honest with myself and think about talents and gifts. And I realised that I have NO talents! Whatsoever!!!!
I was damn upset!! A little depressed.
First... Im not good at any sports. I can't play any musical instrument that I ever learnt in my life well. I can't sing. I can't dance.
But then I realised all these talents were not important to my goals in life. So well.....

There must be a purpose for me for my life. Right? Im still trying to figure it out and hopefully it will come to me soon.
I was taught - Its no point goin through life without knowing where u're headed. It would be more meaningful to have a goal and a purpose to know which direction in life u're headed. So im goin to go to the beach and try figure this out.


"Where there is no vision, people perish."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

"When I first open my eyes upon the morning meadows and look out upon the beautiful world, I thank God I am alive."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Juz some of the many beautiful quotes I got from my course. I like it a lot. Hopefully I'll remember it...hehe

Bleah

It is often said, Tomorrow will be better. I had a cranky day at work yesterday, went to sleep hoping today would be better. It got worse.

Feeling damn sian. damn lost. damn directionless.
Im so glad that exams are over. Really glad. I felt like I could smile again. Kenneth says the glow on my face is back again. Up till the weekend was over, and work juz wiped out that smile on my face.

Caleb and I were discussing. He had a tough week at work when I was over taking my exams. So he was pretty beaten down when I was back at work. Everything was a pile of mess waiting for me to clear up. SIAN AH!
We both so wanna tender our resignation so badly. But.... its not difficult to find a job now but to find a job that pays us more or at least the same to do what we do would be difficult.

so well.... life goes on. in a sucky way. but im definitely enjoying every moment of no exams and classes. but it will only last for 2 weeks and I'll be back to school on 1st Sept. -.-

Back to work for 2 days and im of to a 3 day course tomorrow. Wheepee..... I love goin for courses. All the tea-breaks, lunch-breaks, brunch, smoke breaks, toilet breaks...etc.
All alone tonite, Kenneth off to guard duty. Well, at least I get to read my new book that I have.

Funny!

Heard over the radio 98.7

Your face is so ugly!
They use it to scare the SHIT of of NEWATER~!!!!

Wahahahahahahahah!!!

Is it you?

I'm looking for a lover not a friend

Somebody who can be there when I need someone to talk to

I'm looking for someone who won't pretend

Somebody not afraid to say the way they feel about you

And I'm looking for someone who understands how I feel,

Someone who can keep me real and who knows always

Baby I like to have you in my way

And I'm looking for someone who takes me there,

Wants to share, shows he cares
Thinking on the one that I've been waiting for

Is it you? is it you?

Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for

Could you be the one for me?

Could you be the one I need?

Is it you? is it you?

Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for

Could you be the one for me? (Could you be?)

Could you be the one I need?

I'm looking for someone to share my pain (Uh)

Someone who I can run to,

who would stay with me when it rains

Someone who I can cry with through the night

Someone who I can trust who's hardest right

And I'm looking for someone
And I'm looking for someone who understands how I feel,

Someone who can keep me real and who knows always

Baby I like to have you in my way

And I'm looking for someone who takes me there,

Want to share, shows he cares

Thinking on the one that I've been waiting for

Is it you? is it you?

Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for

Could you be the one for me? Could you be the one I need?

Is it you? is it you?

Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for

Could you be the one for me? Could you be this one I need?

Take for grant

How much I care (How much I care)

And appreciates that I'm there

Someone who listens

And someone I can call who isn't afraid of thought to share

Is it you? is it you?

Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for

Could you be the one for me?

Could you be the one I need?

Is it you? is it you?

Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for

Could you be the one for me? Could you be the one I need?

......one and a half more day....

I need to escape to a happy place. I wish for my happily ever after really soon.
ok... juz one more day. I really can't wait to get through this week.
Friday.. come Friday. Friday at 10pm I would be screaming at the main door of my school. YEAH~!!! ok, maybe not. But I'll be damn @#$%^ happy.

Yesterday's paper was a disaster. EROI. what the @#$% is that? I called Fj to make myself feel better about not knowing what it is, and he juz so smoothly and confidently says... 'Employee Returns On Investment'. Now! Where did that come from. I have never seen EROI in my entire life and concluded might been that week that I skip lecture. Damn~!

Anyways, the killer paper is tomorrow. MRA~Marketing Research and Analysis. All the numbers and formulas and statistics. Its crazy man.... Im having this pit feelin in my tummy. It so torturous.

Oh God, Please help me through this week. Give me strength.

Okie, back to studying now... *yawnz* this sucks.

random thoughts

I really love cute pics like this... it makes me smile. So damn cute~!! I sooooo wanna have daughters next time. I tink they will be more fun then boys. =)

Anyways, Im so bored at work rite now, can't wait to go home soon... coming in to work for half a day is like such a waste of time. KLKK again~

Din sleep well last nite, was having such a bad headache. Prolly from laughing too much. Its been some time since I laughed till my tummy ached and tears rolled. No, it was not Kenneth who made me laugh. But rather it was watching youtube videos. Im so addicted to youtube nowadays.

A little taste of Happiness....

I actually laughed a little today. Felt a little lighter today.
1) Chatted with Samuel a little today. Which made me realised that I miss him so much~! and thanx for the encouragement Baby, did give me a little push to get through the day.

2) I gave myself a break from studying today. After church today, went home for grandma's yummy popiah and century egg porriage. Followed by a guilt-free nap all the way till evening time.

3)Wanted to read my notes a little after walking up from my nap cuz I felt the guilt creeping up on me the moment I woke up. But Kenneth received a call asking us to have dinner with his parents. Ended up having dinner with the whole bunch. Dinner was alrite, crabs and stuff... at least got free dinner. hehe

4) Suppose to head home at targeted time 7pm to resume my studying but ended up hanging out at Bedok with the rest till 10pm. -.- (I totally have no discipline.)

5) So 10pm wanted to go home and juz maybe read a least 1 chapter of Marketing Research and Analysis...... when I have craving for Sticky Chewy Chocolate. So guess what, headed down to Swenson's for my sugar fix.

So u see, the whole day was spent with thoughts of studying but not fufilled at all. So was thinking maybe its not so bad to take the day off right. Juz that my exams is only like 2 days away and really lots of chapters to study... and im still bumming around and worrying and instead of doing somethiing about it, im still wasting time... and I should really be reading some chapters but yet im not....
okie, panic attack again... breathe Luisa... Breathe. U can do this... right? right.

ultimate level of sian-ness

Was on mc today. Woke up like 5am in the morning with stomach cramps and rolled around in bed hoping it would go away. Did not work. Struggled to the toilet for bout 5 times, by the time the alarm rang to get ready for work, I was too exhausted to get up.
I tink Im like playing with fire..... thoughts of resignation is constantly on my mind, cuz I feel like I can't cope.
MC today and I did not feel like calling in to inform my boss. Balls getting bigger or rather I juz really dun care anymore. Im too tired. Really really need a break. On leave from tuesday onwards and its not for relaxation... im having my exams. Im so not ready..... boohooo
Marketing Research is really no joke. its tough and im so bloody scared.... with all the statistic and numbers. It makes no sense to me.

Baby came home early today to send me to the docs. Was really in pain and feelin damn guilty for nt goin to work. Argg...
This is me looking super shack and in pain. I seriously tink I look like shit. and i actually left my home without changing and brushing my hair. =S

Baby happy while I emo away....

Anyways, I got a new optical mouse. Guang Liang bought it for me. So sweeeet rite? I really like it a lot and its the cutest thing. Guang Liang is Kenneth's army buddy if ur wondering and he really is the nicest guy ever. =)


Was asked to go down to Butter Factory to celebrate Daryl Wong's bday. But I can't. WHy??? Stupid exams....
Because of my studies and work stress.... I can't celebrate fren's birthdays.... especially frens that matters to me. its sad. to see people having fun and playing while Im struggling with the weight of the world and worries that is making me age. My life sucks.
Was debating the other day with Daryl when I was whining away that I have no life..... cuz when they asked me to head down to Ice Cold Beer I could not. And Im so envious of them able to go out at nite, have drinks, chat with frens. He said that I have a life, and he had no life, thats is why he is outside wasting time.
I dunnoe which is true... but well, it does not matter. cuz right now, it not cool to be me. Its not fun to be me.

today is eve-public holiday and Im not out partying, getting wasted or not even out! gahhh........
save me please. I need motivation. I need energy. I need strength. I need to sleep and wake up when all this is over.

ACDC lost the battle to M&M Cru. Which sux. So irritating.....
It was so 'kelong' !!!!!
Adam is so cute.... despite that Samuel's fren said that he is so not cute and hot. I dun care. I tink he's cute. Im weird I know.. I know. I have weird taste... I know I know.... that's why I have no frens. I disagree with everything in this world. I even have to live in the opposition area. how's that for goin against the norm.
Ok, enough of this emo shit.
Anyways, another video of Adam Sevani and ACDC battle against the girls....
Go Adam.... =D

Contradiction.

Im on the brink of insanity. Im like a zombie. Im the living dead.
Living my life right now would be as good as dead.
Im stressed. Im panicking. Im depressed. Im tired.
I have no energy,
I have no life.
Im angry everyday.
Or rather fed up with everything.
Im sad.
Im worried.
Im supposed to be studying, but im so sick of everything.
I juz wanna scream. I wanna quit school!
If I dun quit school, I wanna resign from work...........


I need this badly. Really badly or Im gonna go mad~
I really really really really feel like giving up.



Anyways, its so contradicting. I cant wait for my exams to be over. Yet Im so not ready.
I do not have enough time to study due to work. And this is causing me stress. I wan all this to be over yet Im so not looking forward to next week.
Its so torturous.
I tink Im like babling away... im making no sense.
Whatever...
Im so overwhelmed by everything.

The past Saturday there was a gathering at my place to celebrate Samuel's birthday. It was amazing to be able to squeeze bout 20 pple in my small humble home.
I tink I barely spoke like more than 5 sentances to Samuel. or rather to anyone else.
I feel damn guilty. but i dun understand why too. I feel like a stranger. I feel too tired. Like all the energy drained out of me.
Having a best friend is often tiring, troublesome, hurting and disappointing.
I feel like im neglecting my friends... not spending enough time with.
I dun have a best friend.
And I dun need one either.

After the dinner, headed down to Play and Tabs. I went down because it was Sam's bday but I Felt bored and left without a word.
No need for good byes. Too tired. Who cares anyway.
I tink its not my thing anymore. All the loud music. All the crowd. I tink im getting old. or im getting boring. Or both.

I feel so affected by what is goin on between me and my friends. Especially with S. But theres nothing I can do. I see the space between us. But I can't seem to make things better.
I feel like I have no one to turn to.
I feek like I have no one on my side.
I always feel like Im fighting all on my own.

Baby, I knw its tiring to hear me complain everyday bout school and work. Im sorry.
I know it sucks to see me moody everyday. Hopefully things will get better after the 15th 'aite!

Samuel, Happy 21st. Sorry I did not spend it with u. Hope it was a happy birthday. maybe we could do coffee someday, juz both of us.

I hate me

I feel so silly. For goin all the way there and taking a bus home alone. All I really wanted was to spend more time with you instead of being apart waiting for each other.
Im so silly. I'm Love's fool.
Who do I suddenly feel so direction-less. I waited for the bus for more than 45mins.
All alone at the bus-stop. Felt so weird. So many people around me, but I feel like Im in a bubble. All their voices and laughter being drowned out by the pounding of my own heart.
Im so foolish.
Im so stubborn.
I love being alone.
I love being in my own world. Where no one else belongs.
Sometimes I feel like no one understands.... I tink because Im a weirdo.
I tink whoever that have to spend the rest of their life with me would be miserable.
I have erratic moodswings that even I myself can't explain.
Sometimes..... most of the time actually, I love being alone - its pathetic.
Mama called me just now, I guess she's feeling lonely too. Im bringing her out on sunday.
Im wondering what is on your mind now.
Freak? Weirdo? Crazy? Mad?
The bus seems to be rushing. Why? Is everybody in a rush to get to somewhere? Why aren't I rushing somewhere too? I have no direction.
Thinking I should go home. But facing the empty home alone would be too miserable. Too painful. Especially when everyone I know are somewhere out there sharing laughters. i see pairs everywhere. And Im a singular. I know that its not often that Im alone. But it stings when it happens, especially when I made an effort to make things better.
But you were careless with my feelings. Maybe Im too fragile. Too sensitive. But it still hurt. A little. Not a lot, because I could still smile while talking to you. So it was a little because I could hide my hurts behind a smile, a laugh. So that you would not be confused about what happened.
What should I do??
Are there pills for insanity?
Would it make me normal?
Im very fascinated with the thought of being a normal person.
I wish my name was Jane. As in plain Jane.
Instead of Freaky Luisa.
Luisa - Jeanne -
I still dun understand.
I guess I never will.
I wish u understood me more. But I dun even understand myself.
So I guess... Im hoping you will not give up on me. But hold my hand through my difficult times and crazy moods. Sometimes, I juz need you to be around. To show me more attention. The way I wan. Sometimes, its not bout what you say.... but juz understanding me. Knowing what I need the most.
I juz need you to show me that you want me. Juz like how I need you.




This is as real as it gets.