Mixed Feelings - baby blues

I feel totally and entirely sick and miserable. I feel like nobody understands. And I feel so guilty towards my sweet husband.

I so so tired of feeling sick. I just really want my health and energy back. Please please take away my nausea and vomiting. Its really really affecting me. I can't complain much to people around me, cuz its damn irritating. Plus people just keep saying 'its normal'. Pfft, its not freaking normal when u have to carry a freaking plastic bag around in your bloody Chanel bag and hope to God that you will not have to throw up some place where people will be disgusted. I just want to enjoy a nice meal without feeling like throwing up with every mouthful of food I take. I don't want to go through the whole day feeling nauseous. I don't want to walk for 5 mins and start to feel weak and giddy.

Im so miserable. Even my work is suffering. I dread going to work cuz I feel so uncomfortable at office. The journey to and fro is torturous and a real test of my control and mental strength. I know my colleagues think that im freaking useless or thinks that Im jus 'chao geng' at work. Im really seriously considering stopping work, but I can't lose my salary. how frustrating.

Websites have claim that it will soon come to an end and im suppose to feel better everyday. Im really crossing my fingers, toes and praying to dear God that it will come to an end. So i can go to work as usual. And get my life back.

Don't get me wrong. Im super happy and excited of having a baby. But the pregnancy period is really too torturous for me to feel blooming at all. All I wanna do everyday is sleep, sleep, sleep.

I just wanna get through this 9 months and carry my baby in my arms.

Now I might feel totally like shit and totally depressed. I must stay strong. Hubby says not to care what people in office says bout me. But I really don't like working this way. I really don't enjoy not doing my work well. I just have to try to hang on to my job, Save money in case I get the boot. And pray to God that all this will turn around soon.

Im so so envious of those who go thorugh their preganacy easily like nothing at all. Why am I not like that!!!!! Why must I have what 70% - 80% pregnant woman suffers - why can't I be the lucky few. I guess in life, you can't be lucky in everything.

But Im so blessed by God to have this child. So I have to count my blessings right? But does it really have to be so difficult. I swear any more of this and im going to have depression. I wish I can just stay home everyday and rest but I guess I don't have the luxury. Unless maybe hubby strike the lottery.

So until that day happens, i gotta drag my fatigue body to work and puke my guts out. if im lucky, i'll just have nausea all day long with no appetite to eat at all.

Sixth Avenue is a horrible place with no food to eat at all, which does not help with my nausea at all. So....

PLease God. God help me. Sometimes I feel like I cant hang on anymore.

I'm Married? I'm Married!!!!

Wow! Im so married.... 1 month after the wedding and I still smile thinking bout it.

Finally all the prep work has come to an end. And it all boils down to one perfect day.

We activated a lot of people and everyone has brought they best to the table and everything was perfect!

Even God helped us out by giving us good weather, great health and loving family and friends.

I couldn't ask for more.

I feel so blessed surrounded by great friends and loving family. I love every single one of them. My family.... cousins..... everyone was so beautiful that day.

My sisters, Samuel :P, Jac, Alicia, Yvonne, Tiffany, Jarlyn, Nicole, Hannah & Meiqi. U all were so supportive throughout my preparations. I really really really appreciate it.

Poor Meiqi even fell sick. :(

The brothers, were cool to be all hyped up and sporting.

My loving husband, whom put in so much effort to make my perfect wedding come true. I jus had to say what I want, and he would do whatever he could to make things happen.

Like my candy bar, my tea lights, fairy lights. U give me everything I asked for. I love u baby.

I pray our love would only get stronger as time goes by. Its hard work and Im willing to work. hehehe

Back to reality, im not happy at work. I keep falling sick no matter what vitamins and stuff I take. I think my mental health is suffering. I hate not knowing stuff and not learning things fast enough. I feel handicapped. argg, so frustrating. I need to get my bearings right. Again.

I hate starting all over again. I dun like moving on to a new place. Im gonna try and hang on.

Why cant i just be happy somewhere and work for the rest of my life..... this suck.

I hate being an adult. I wanna go back to schoool...

Actually not really, how can I afford all my pretty clothes without working. Damn, not possible.

So I guess its work again tomorrow.

Pfft.

Haven been here for a long time.....

hmmmm...... what shall I update? I realised that whenever people see me now, they only ask me how's my wedding preparation. All I can answer is..... "Like that lor".

Im like a month away and I seriously still dunnoe what Ken & I are doing about the wedding. A little here and there. Maybe we're just counting on a BIG miracle.

We're so caught up with work, barely have time to do any wedding plans and preparations. Kenneth works on weekends and I feel so lazy on weekends. Gah! So worried!!! Worried bout what? I dunnoe!

Having a really swollen eye right now. Dunnoe whatssup with my stupid eyeball. Now I gotta wear glasses to work. UGLY! I hope the swelling goes down. BooHOo.

I feel thankful and grateful to those who put in lots of effort for my wedding. Very very thankful for them. I just pray... everything WILL go well......

Work again tomorrow. Give me strength.

Hello Kitty gets Emo too....

Its Monday and Im home.... Feels kinda good. :) But im alone, cuz everything was so sudden Kenneth was unable to take leave with me.

I tendered my resignation on Monday and my last day was on Thurs cuz of the leave I have to clear. Now out of a sudden, I have nothing to do with no plans. Prolly I should just rest and get ready for the new challenge ahead.

I feel kinda worried and scared. Yet looking forward to my new job as well. Have so much mixed feelings within me.

Im like super super broke. Again. I realise im forever broke. Sigh. its useless of me to say things like, I should stop buying clothes, I should not buy shoes, cuz it DOES NOT WORK. It only makes me sad. So well, I should just go through life broke. :) Be strong.

I lurrrvvvvveeeee my new car. Although its not the colour I wanted initially (Yellow), the more I look at it, I love it. It blends well with all the other cars on the road. Like a TAXI. hee hee. But I still love my car.

Im so bored. What should I do..... Time for movie marathon and drama serials. WooHoo!!

P/S: Please pray for my wedding preparations.... Kenneth & I are damn slack! Die! We need a BIG MIRACLE for things to go well.....

Gush~ I feel like im 15 again

I Love You!! Hee Hee. I wish I can see you face to face. My eye candy.

Of course my no. 1 love is still Edison Chen, but since he is out of the media for an indefinite period. I still have my Xiao Zhu to look at. Wheeee.......

Im suffering from my Sunday Night mood swings. Back to office tomorrow. Just thinking bout it gives me diarhoea. Bleah. Feel so tired. Didn't sleep well the past few nights. Too many things going through my head. Work, money.. money, work. health. wedding. Zzzzz

sick

I have been extremely sick since Friday. The start of the long weekend that I have been looking forward to. *grrr*

I have been lying in bed unable to move and walk around due to high fever. Brain almost got cooked.

Thanks baby for staying by my side and wiping me down with ice packs. *loves*

Could not take it and finally went to see a doctor on Sunday morning. Doctor gave 2 more days mc cuz i could not recover in time to go back to work. And yes, I slept the whole 2 days away as well.

I finally got some strength to get out of my room and sit in my living room. And its back to work tomorrow.

I have fallen sick so often even since I started work at OCBC. dunnoe what is the matter with me. Its kinda frustrating.

But from what I heard, Im not the only one on MC. seems that all the checkers are also on MC. There is a nasty nasty virus at work and its making all of us ill. Junice mentioned that they have sprayed dettol around our work stations already. Hopefully I'll not catch the virus again since I have barely recovered.

Im choosing my wedding gown next week!!! Im so excited. I hope I hope I hope I can find the right one! whee...

*crosses fingers*

Feeling giddy again. gotta lie down.

i feel a small pang of sadness. Wondering what could I have done differently.

I feel you slipping away, but there's nothing I can do on my part.

Wondering am I the problem or are u the problem.

sometimes I feel alright. Sometimes I totally forget bout how it used to be.

But when things remind me of u, I feel sad knowing that im no longer a friend but have been categorized into a passer-by.

I dunnoe what I should do as Im much too shy. and im extremely not outgoing enough to initiate anything.

plus im much to tired most of the days. weekends i spend recuperating. but i never turn down an invitation from you but I dun get them anymore. i dunnoe what to say to u anymore. Its as if, we do not have anything to talk about anymore. Its kinda sad really.

Im so stressed at work im sinking into depression. Im suppose to be happy planning for my wedding, but am much too stress bout all other things.

I really wish that u guys will still come to my wedding even if we do not even see each other for more than a year.

thanks anyway, for helping me through my darkest times. I will never forget your kindness and friendship that you have given me during that period of time. Im always around if u need me. wishing u the best in everything.

long weekend?

Seriously, what a way to start off the weekend. Had a toothache last night and decided to make a trip to the dentist as the pain was kinda irritating.

Simply thought it was a cavity that needed filing. But dentist said my wisdom tooth was decayed and needed to be extracted at that moment. I was in shock. I didn't even know I had wisdom teeth!!

Now my mouth feels like I was punched really hard. Plus im really really hungry but I cant eat hamburgers and stuff. Such a torture. And next month I gotta go remove another wisdom tooth. HELP!

Im so happy I got my paige boy and flowergirls. Kenneth and I went around looking for flowergirl dresses and we found a whole lot of them. So cute and adorable the dresses!! I can't wait to get them for Kayla.

I will be selecting my gown in April. Really excited bout it but worried that I will not be able to find a nice evening gown. Nice evening gowns are so difficult to find as from what I have been seeing, they make me look as if im going to perform at a ge tai. -.- *crosses fingers*

im really starting to worry a little bit bout the photographer. Well, she was introduced by a fren that just had their wedding celebration. I managed to take a look at their photos and there were bad! I mean, the photos were well taken, but the quality is bad!! im so upset. But i really dun understand how such a good camera takes such pictures. Im really hoping the photos will turn out well for me.

Im so happy that Samuel and Shawn are really excited bout me selecting my gown. I feel happy because of the support they are giving. Sometimes everything can be overwhelming cuz of the negative things people say. and sometimes it gets really frustrating. But through concern and support from people around, it kinda makes things so much better.

Thanks Samuel for caring. It helps a lot. :)

ok. my tooth.... or rather the lack of it is making my gum ache. time to take painkillers laced with codeine. WooHoo. I lurve feeling drowsy on a rainy day. nope. Im not a junkie. just lazy.

say hello to better night's sleep. wheee

Finally! My Sealy mattress is here. so shiok! but i can't seem to nap without Baby by my side. So sian. I rather be washing my hair or doing a facial.

its the end of Feb already. 2 months down, 8 months to go to my wedding day. And I feel like I haven done much. Im such a bad planner. Plus it doesn't help much that Kenneth and I are both such laid back pple. Pfft.

I don't even know what we should do. People keep saying we must be really busy planning for the wedding. But truth is.... I tink im busier with work and MJ in between trying to spend time with Baby among our hectic schedule.

Im kinda getting worried that the whole wedding will be screwed up and a big disaster. Im praying hard that everything will just go smoothly. *please God*

Thank God! We got our queue no for Dawson @ Queenstown. Freaking no 44. Whats the odds! Just when Ken & I are planning to buy over the 3rm Potong Pasir flat because its more affordable and forfeit our Dawson plans, we gotta have this queue no. Now we're in a big big dilemma.

The moment we saw the queue no, all practical plans of budgeting and saving just went out the window. Im so excited bout the high ceiling and balcony!!!!

The cons bout Dawson:-

1. Expensive

2. Small

Pros:-

1. High Celing

2. Balcony

3. Location

4. MRT not LRT

im so excited. so excited. wheeeeee?

should i get Dawson or not? how? how? how?

im so hungry. gotta eat

weekend. please don't go so soon

FINALLY. Weekend is here again. Please please don't go by so soon.

Just finished my mahjong game. :) So happy. Baby gotta work tomorrow. But I'll be going for my facial to save my ugly pimple face. GAH.

Im so freaking broke. Yup. Even though its just after CNY, but for a fact, I did not get much ang pows. Ang pows seems to be shrinking every year. Plus the fact that Kenneth & I lost quite a bit at Blackjack. But managed to recover a little from MJ. So well.

im broke broke broke with so much stuff to pay. Just gave a deposit for the photographer & videographer. So expensive!! weddings are such expensive events. Zzzzz.

The one good thing today. My leave is blocked. Wheeehooo..... Im going to Hong KOng. I can't wait for my break. But first. I gotta save money. No more shopping! At all. Plus I gotta get through month of March. No PH!!!! Die.....

Second thing - I definitely and very determine to lose weight. I must lose weight. Im getting a little fleshy. A little chubby. Which means... Im getting FAT! im so sad.

I need to lose weight. I neeeeeed to lose weight.

I just bought 30 bucks worth of chocolates and candies from Candy Empire. I wanna shoot myself. So sinful. BUT I CAN'T help myself. :(

how? how? how? I went to gym yesterday. Ran 5 mins on the threadmill and I almost collapsed. Decided to do some weights. Did bout 50 reps, muscle felt achy. Went to do the step master. Another 5 mins, my lungs could barely get oxygen. Decided to stop and do weights again. Did like 20 reps. Muscle couldn't take it. I gave up.

Went to Sakae Sushi to fill my tummy. Spent like 20mins at the gym including changing time, spent 1hr eating.

Im such a failure!!!

ok. so sleepy.

yahoooooo

Like finally! weekend is here... wheeee.....

work is super duper torturous. If I have to deal with another crazy customer screaming in my ear. I swear I will freaking vomit! I hate it when they say, "I wan to complain!" You see.... I really dun understand what this sentence means. What are u trying to say? U wan to complain to someone else? U wanna complain to me? Or wanna complain bout me? Or complain bout the issue? Sometimes customers really make me confused.

Then after they finish complaining they say they wanna go elsewhere. GO LA! I really really dun care! Its frustrating, irritating and tiring. I hope Joeren stays. Or else its really gonna be crap without those girls.

Other than that my life is pretty ok. after work, that is.

I have been waiting so long for this short break from work. Im so happy its finally here. But Baby still gotta work tomorrow. Sian.

My face is breaking out. Must be too stressful at work. Gah! Im so ugly now. :(

Im not a very loyal user of FB. But its actually quite a interesting platform! Through FB I found a guy I used to know during my growing up years. Im so happy!! Although he looks so diff, it feels.... nice to 'see' him again. I dunnoe why. All i remembered was he was such a sweetheart! :)

CNY is such a tiring festival. Going places. Smiling. Making small talk with relatives who dun really care bout u. But the good thing is.... spending time with love ones! I wanna eat my mama's mee sua. Yummy!

so sleepy.

Lazy Sat...

Its such a lazy lazy afternoon, what a pity Kenneth is at work but at least he's gonna be off soon.

Anyways, after the past months of torture, I tink im finally getting used to working in an office. I tink i might actually like my work after all.... of course being at the branch is what I really enjoy. But I guess I just forgot bout the shit that come with working at the branch. The working hours and the siao siao pple.

I still deal with a lot of siao siao pple now. But Im still deciding which is worse. Being screamed at on the phone or being screamed at in your face.

The Piano is finally our of my home and I have more space now. Now I need some ideas on what I should do with the corner.

I feel happy that today I spent some time with MaMa and she finally let me drive her car! She was tired after all the driving and walking that she surrendered her car to me. WooHoo. Its really easy driving a auto car but her car is huge! I had lunch with her and spent some time shopping. She wanted to see the ballroom that Kenneth and I choose. She really loved it which is goood.

I really love that woman. She's just so cute! Going to some fish farm for dinner. Looking forward to the company but not the place Nic chose. -.-

....

work is horrid horrid horrible. Im struggling everyday. I feel stuck and tortured.

Mon to Fri are absolute torture.

But I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. when im back at UOB I'll prolly be miserable too. Will I? I really really dunnoe....

I dunnoe what is the matter with me.... am I juz lazy....

but im definitely not giving up so easily.

i must hang on.....

on the other hand, im really really excited bout being engaged.

but its really quite a hassle to plan for a wedding not to mention EXPENSIVE.

everything is money money money.

*SIGH*

the place that we have managed to booked is Grand Copthorne. the ballroom is really really pretty. which I like.

but then the reality of planning for a wedding hits me when I realise that I need to source for a whole lot of stuff...

photographers

videographer

bridal shops+photo shoots

make up artist (settled)

caterer

bridal car

etc etc

*faints*

I have been dreaming of getting married for so long, and now that it is finally happening.

I feel unprepared and worried and scared and wish I can postpone it further.

I feel like I need more time to prepare and plan.

people able to help, please help me and recommend good people for stuff stated above.

it would save me the trouble of sourcing around. :) but not too expensive please.

Happy!

This is one of my best christmas ever. :)

Im still slightly overwhelmed... its still all so surreal to me...

Having my closest people around me, I felt so contented and blessed.

Kenneth, Samuel and Keong did a very very good job of keeping me in the dark. :p

Never knew that Kenneth could pull off something like this.

Im impressed.

I can't express the thanks that I have to give to Sam and Keong for sacrificing their Christmas eve to be part of my blissful moment.

Thank you baby for all the effort.

I love u all!

HoHOHo

God is good. THank God for his providence and it was a miracle that Ken's parents came to church with us last night too. I was so happy they were there.

Emo-tions :)

Today is Kenneth's first day of work. He sounds bored. First days are always like that.

Im soooooo not looking forward to my first day. I have one more day left to slack and I dun want it to end!!!

I went for my regular brazilian wax and followed by my facial. Since ken drove the van to work I had to go everywhere by cab and mrt.

The facial feels so good. Ahhh.. SHiok!

I dun want to go back to work!!!!! boooohooooo. But no work no money. I wish i can earn money doin nothing. blah.

had a small tiny teeny weeny quarrel with Ken yesterday. thank goodness it was resolved quicky. cant stand being angry or fed up or sad. too tiring. I want to be happy everyday! :) Thanx for makin me such a happy girl every single day baby!

Wed im starting work.... hopefully the job is fine and I will have good colleagues. *crosses fingers*

the past one month spent bumming around was GOOOOOD. But time passes too fast. too too fast. And I haven even went for a holiday. hmmp. hopefully we will both do well in our jobs. wheeee.

sometimes I feel like I always wanna hear the truth. but yet sometimes Im afraid I can't handle the truth. Sometimes I know im Too in my own world. Prolly got to do with the facts that Im a only child. But yet why im not a complete weirdo... i have to thank my cousins that I grew up with. I was always home alone with my maid in a big house and no one to play with. I would play with my Barbie dolls. I had a lot of Barbie dolls. And talk to myself.

But thankfully I had my cousins to play badminton, catch spiders, play catching, nintendo. So I managed to grow up pretty normal. Juz a little weird.

But ocassionally I would still talk to myself. Kenneth has on many occasions caught me talking to myself. So embarrassing. but after all this, i still have to say. I feel safer in my own world. The real world is so harsh. So scary full of bad pple. I dun really like them. I tink I'll just stay here. :)

ok time for dinner.

Another item on my wish list

Number 56) Go to korea for plastic surgery.
Almost every korean girl seems to be like super hot, super cute, super sexy or super somthing. I figure I could go there to buy a new face, hopefully look like that. heehee

I am a fat pig

Kenneth is out playing golf and Im all alone at home letting my thoughts run wild. Which I kinda like. Time to myself... to spend emo-ing.

I was suppose to go with him but I wanted to stay home to catch PCK on TV. I know... I know. Im damn auntie.
After a almost exactly a month of staying home and not working. I have to admit... I AM still pretty lost... I dunnoe what to tink, Im juz enjoying my butter hokkaido squid. Yummy. Im really really getting fat. With all the junk that im munching on every single day with no exercise. Pretty soon im getting cellulite. The very thought of that just makes me wanna crrrryyyy........boohoohooo... *munch munch*

what do we have to do to be very happy? what do we have to own to be very happy?? what do we have to have?? I said very happy. Cuz im happy now... but somehow I need more. more money? actually make that money since I dun have any now. Or a big car????? We're kinda eyeing the Hyundai i30. But cannot afford. :( or a job that gives satisfaction??
Jobs that gives satisfaction pays low. and those im intersted to have, I have no experience. And those that I can apply for I.. im not excited bout it. this sucks.

this sotong strips are good!!!! can't stop chewing on them.........

empty thoughts

I seriously have too much time on my hands and starting to tink too much. I have fallen sick therefore I can't go out to meet clients. And I can't do anything much cuz im so damn weak. Im so bored.

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i wish to back to how I once was. little expectations. while working i felt lost in a never ending race. everyday was just looking forward to lunch. after lunch look forward to finishing work and after work so not looking forward to waking up the next morning. Such a vicious cycle for 3 years.

Hopefully i'll use this time to tink bout life... tink bout what Im becoming. take some time to spend time with people I love.

kenneth and I are such different people. I wonder what is it that makes us able to last all this while.
He is like super outdoors and I hate the sun.
He is super good at keeping friendships with many people while I only need a few close friends.
He is so positve and Im super negative bout everything.
He is so healthy and strong and Im always sick.

I love being alone... watching movies. I love being alone reading my storybooks. But Im glad that Ken came into my life and introduced so many interesting characters to me. =)

Talking bout interesting characters... I miss my friends. But its like not the same anymore.. Maybe it's me that have changed??? Most prolly its me. kinda sad tough but I know theres always the usual few that I can count on. as what I always say. I dun need a lot. I just need a few good ones. =D most of my friends around me are such sweethearts. I really really appreciate u guys a lot. I wonder what I would do without u guys. Sam, Jac, Alicia..... etc


I need to recover quick....

sick sick sick

im having a migraine attack again. this sux.

feeling super super sick and weak. Just when I do not have free medical anymore... I fall sick. boo.

Went for 'guasha' this morning. really cannot take it anymore. blocked ears and migraine. SO XIN KU!!!

thank goodness for Kenneth. I was so weak I can barely eat on my own. After each mouth of noodles I gotta lie down. So in the end I laid in bed while kenneth spoon fed me. Thank you baby. What would I do without u.

hopefully i'll get well soon. Please God.... Heal me... I cannot take it anymore... Im so tired of sleeping. =(

Celebration??

Im like counting down to my unemployed days.... part of me feels relieved, part of me feels scared. A little part of me feels excited of whats to come.

Today marks the day of another chapter of my life. Where Ken and I stop having regular income. its such a scary thought but yet..... i have yet to feel the worry. Instead im looking forward to my break.
Yesterday my boss & colleagues came together to have dinner to "celebrate" my leaving the bank. I feel sad to leave that bunch of people. After working with them all this time, it is indeed difficult and sad to not see them everyday and talk, gossip and complain. But I tink it is something I have to do.......

Hopefully God will bless me and everything will go well. Wheee...